I'll get what I deserve... Whether it's fame or I go down in flames.

owned

Who isn't just grateful that their video is nominated? I want a nomination. He wants to create something "timeless." Good luck with that, Mr. Awesome producer-man. You do that. 'Cause number one hits are the ones that last. Idiot.
Why is Nip/Tuck so good? I don't know. I got an idea for a screenplay today, involving a kidnapping. It could be cool. SO many ideas, but they are all so hard to develop. I think that I have all these little ideas that could develop into something cool, but I don't have a very good place to jump from. I am sure that I could write a lot better music if it was percussive based thing but these notes are killing me. I wanna do a concept album for AGAGAG's second cd, I think that I could use the screenplay idea. The kidnapping and a prophet together. I want to start writing it so that by the time that comes around I will be possible to just take the ideas and develop them into a story that I can cut up/shift around and all that jazz. Haha I will probably start another LiveJournal for that too. Pencil and paper is too much to worry about; it can get lost, rip, or get blown away or fade. The prophet is able to predict the kidnapping, then is shunned for knowing and not helping. But is there real destiny? Blame the prophet...
I like that. Definitely old... maybe like a cowboy/present day kinda thing. hmm, ideas all over the place.
I have been helping Danny book, it's freaking stressful. I appreciate him doing it a lot more. People are kinda dicks, we get all sorts of stuff from bands wanting to jump on shows. Can you get us on a show? No. So go away. And people don't even respond to our emails requesting a show. That's what you're there for, right? You don't have a show that day. If you don't want to do it then tell us no. The end. Rgh.
I want to do our video, David had a good idea. Base it on the House of Leaves book. I haven't read it but I like the idea. Writings everywhere, zoom in's and out's showing writings on everything. I don't know if Chelsea could do it, but it could turn out to be a cool low-cost video.
I can't wait to leave. I like being home, and I really wanna see Carol. But if I'm not hanging out with her I'd rather be playing a show. Girls and shows, that's what it's all about. I REALLY can't wait to play with Serapis again. Sometimes things happen and you don't know why, you just know that it freaking pwns. Like having a friend introduce you to someone out of the blue that you totally connect with, or you jump on a tour and meet some of the most amazing guys in the entire world. This next week is gonna rock. Miles Between is gonna be good, but I am pretty sure that we are going to destroy every night. Haha 'cause that's how we roll....
We destroy everything.
All the time.
There is no escape.
Sorry.
But you're all gonna die.

We're in Philadelphia now, and I am hanging out at Danny's cousins' house. It's been pretty fun, good to hang out on the road again, be stuck in the van with the boys. I have been getting in a lot of arguments lately, I think that everyone thinks it's fun to push my buttons. I don't really care, absolutely no love lost, but it's fun. There are not a lot of things that I will fight for, but the things I would keep coming up. Mostly it's when I absolutely know that I am right, and I have to argue my point. I have NO problem being wrong, and it's ok with me. It's my lack of ego. It's just that when things get heated and I know that I am right, I get really frustrated with the fact that I can't remember my sources and all that. I guess it's something that I should work on, maybe do some research when I get the chance on the internet. I wanna be able to destroy people, because that is a good excercise for writing lyrics. I guess. I don't know.
So Carol doesn't know what's going on with us, but that's ok cause I don't know what's going on either. So I guess we're gonna roll with it? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am gonna roll with it and that not every dude on tour is looking for some ass.
We played last night and it was annoying how many people were crappy. There were really a lot of people there, it was awesome! Like 200 kids were there, and we had quite a few people tell us that we were the best band of the night... not too bad for being the opening band in an eight band show. I am really starting to get tired of these fake people at shows, but then again I would really like them to buy something with their mom's money. That'd be awesome.
We met The Miles Between last night. Those boys are pretty freaking cool. They are super straight-edge, I am not sure exactly how we are gonna work with them. I think that there will be a mutual understanding between us... at least I hope so. They don't seem too militant. Which is cool.
I really wanna start writing again. And touring. And playing. And rocking. And driving. And right now... eating. I guess not a lot to say tonight. Sucks. Oh well. I will try to write more next time.

The Fifth of November. I just decided we are going to have a song about Guy Fawkes. He tried to blow up English Parlaiment in the 1700's... I have never been much of a politician but I think that he's an iconic figure through his dedication to doing what is right. What seperates him from the Al Queda attacks of today? I'm not sure... I guess glory. Or fireworks. I guess it's because he was retaliating against his own government, a conglomeration that was hellbent on "evil." I don't really think that I want to make it an AGAGAG song, maybe a collection of songs now that I am learning guitar. I will talk to Derek about it tomorrow. Maybe a Postal Service meets Murder By Death kinda deal, that'd be neat. I think that it's time I start being creative again... I think that art college completely doused any creative flame inside of me through the creation of competition in the spontaneous arena. The last few years I have felt less and less creative because I have been surrounded by a society that does not tolerate progress, it just rewards perfection. Not that I don't want to be perfect. But I know it's impossible; it's the attempt and the failures that give inspiration. I think that since I am out of that environment I can think for myself and create without the thought of competition or style. I can just create. Is it all going to be great? Is it all going to wow people all the time? Heck no. But I am trying to push myself as hard as I can, to be the voice of more than just me. I think that the strongest lyricists are the ones that bring out ideas from inside people that they didn't know they had. I hope that through my analysis of people and their actions I can help someone open their eyes, or at least have people agree with me. All I know is that this Darwinian observation of people and their attitudes is going to result in something really astounding. I hope that I can open my eyes further and start to see into people even deeper and be able to paint pictures with my words. I think a lot about what the words in a song mean. It seems that most can be classified as either a story or a lesson. These then breakdown into the perspective, I vs. You vs. He/She depending on whether it's a story or not. With a couple of exceptions I don't want to tell stories. The only two I have in mind are A) A man who shoots himself after he finds out his wife has cheated on him. The song opens with him finding out and being shot, and ends with him giving in to death. Everything in between is his reflections. I want people to think about what they really appreciate... what would your last thoughts be? Forgiveness? Pity? Sorrow? It's going to be him actually having peace with death and his goodbyes. I don't want it to be gruesome or stereotypical though. More like an observer that can analyze. Story B) A bank robbery that is a euphemism for getting out of this life with all that you can carry. It's about stealing what you can from this system of day-to-day existance and taking off into the sunset with it, and if you don't get away you only go down in a blaze of glory to the sound of pistols' thunder. Other than that I want to provide perspective. I don't know. We'll see. Right now Derek and I have come up with some pretty good stuff that walks that line between story and thought.
I decided that I really like that Guy Fawkes idea... maybe mix some Neutral Milk Hotel in there too, even though D-Rex hates that band. It's ok. He has bad taste, haha. I still don't know if I am qualified to speak of revolution, though. What have I done that is so glorious? How am I living my life in a way to inspire others? I don't know. I think that my strength is bringing out the real person inside. I don't inspire action, I want to inspire thought. Freeform inspiration, left to the subject to use for whatever they wish. As long as they do something. We'll see how this goes. If anyone has any ideas, let me know. I will probably post some ideas for it on here, both to save and for feedback. Rock and Roll.

was kinda boring. Got up at 1:30 then went inside and watched t.v. and played the guitar. Getting the idea of it... too bad it's freaking hard. damn. Then we came to Theresa's and hung out playing Metroid. We were at the mall while we were waiting for Theresa to get home from class and I saw E and Jackie. I think they saw me, but I tried to discourage them from approaching me. It worked, I didn't have to talk to them. Good. Watched 5th Element last night. Sweet lord that movie is awesome. And I found out that we are leaving on Wednesday so that means I can't help Zack at his house. That sucks, I was looking forward to hanging out with him one more time before we leave. I will see him after though, so it's cool. And I am getting tattooed two weeks from Wednesday. Freakin awesome robot cowboy riding a horse smack on the forearm. I can't wait. It's kinda like that disease where a persone feels their leg shouldn't be there, but mine's the opposite. I feel like there should be something there but there isn't. I like Henry Rollins' description of tattoo's. When someone asked him why he is covering his skin he replied with "I'm letting my true self show through my skin." Amazing. I watched a bunch of his videos last night on YouTube; that man is a genious and will probably be an idol of mine forever. He knows what it takes. I think that these tattoo's are badges of honor; they state that you were part of this, that you were committed, and in the future you can always remember that you were important. This is for thing like a full sleeve, none of that tribal pussy shit. It's my uniform; my awards. Found out that Carol's mom totally hates tattoo's, which made me laugh. I don't understand. I guess I will just have to wear a hoodie if I go over there, although it would be funny to stir the waters a bit. But I won't do that to her. That wouldn't be fair. So now I am going to head back to Guyton. I can't wait to leave so we can play again. We had a short clip in Connect Savannah that said "One of the most driven and determined bands to come out of our area in a while." Makes me feel like I am doing something right.
We are gonna pwn.

So I haven't written in this for two years. It's pretty interesting, actually, because I am just now getting over the same feelings that I was feeling then. That Summer was probably the lowest I have ever been, and the only thing that can possibly compare is these last 9 months alone. I am finally feeling better, and I have met someone new. That's good. I am nervous... but who isn't? I am in a new band. A Girl A Gun A Ghost. We are going to take over the world. I think that right now I am the happiest I have been in a long time. And I don't really know what to do about it. The parents aren't too happy with me, but to be honest I don't care anymore. I love them to death, they are SO important to me, but they don't understand. This is my calling. This is my manifest destiny. This is my reason for being.
I am now the most cynical I have been ever. There are a lot of people that I don't like; to be honest there isn't a whole lot of people that I find myself tolerating initially as of late. If I just met you, I am going to judge you. If you are different than what I thought... that's ok. I can accept being wrong. I hate being downtown. I am suffocated by stilleto's and popped collers with a noose of makeup and tanned tattoos. I don't understand this world's obsession with recreational affection. If you don't get laid, it's not the end of the world. I promise. Just get back in your stupid car, turn up your stupid radio, and go home and watch some stupid porn while you think about stupid girls from a stupid club. I am so frustrated with everyone. It's like everyone thinks they deserve the world. I got news for everyone... this world is a shithole that we have created. We have created a culture that thrives on plastic emotions and cadaver reactions. Why? Don't people see their lives floating away? I feel like I am one of a few people that has pulled the veil from my eyes. I have given the finger to this world and decided that I am going to do what I feel. Does that mean misbehaving? no. Quite the opposite. I only act in a way that can improve me or someone else as a person. I hope that this rage builds some more inspiration.
I have been having more luck with lyrical ideas. I am going to let this rage build until I blow my top. The new stuff is all going to be about my view of the world... a world being called out. Peragrin is my first attempt. "No guns, no glory... no hero in this story." It's about falling from faith only to find that you weren't looking into an ocean below, just a puddle. And I only actually fell a few inches, not the drastic spirital death that was decreed for me. But I am willing to fly again, I just need the wings.
I am at a strange point in my life, but this time around I don't want pity. Pity is for the weak. I am not weak anymore... no time and too many people supporting me. I love my brothers more than anything in the world. I love my family. I love my Georgia family. And I love my friends. As of late, I really love Chelsea Babbish. That girl is amazing. I have had so many people assume she is my girlfriend, love interest, etc. I swear that every time that happens I laugh. She is the kind of girl that everyone relates to, but for some reason I feel that she and I connect in a very different way. From the minute I met her I could tell that I could trust her. It's strange hearing other people talk about how cool and attractive and this and that she is: I have never thought that. Not that she isn't, she's more than my sister, though. I don't know. I just thought that was important.
G'night everyone, I will be writing in this more. It may get dark, it may get light. But either way, I will shuffle my feet along, left and then right.

lonely tonight. wish someone was here with me.

Eye for an eye tooth for a tooth
when it's not justified
the true you comes loose

don't feel like writing much tonight, blew 10 bucks on a shitty show. went to city market and drew and waited. this little kid kept running up to me grinning like a fool with drool all over him. made me feel like a million bucks. then i remembered that i was waiting there for 2 hours with false hopes. i hope i get hired at vinnie's. i almost set the house on fire trying to cook some damn chicken. that sucked. couldnt even eventually cook it, had to throw it out. finished get in the van by henry rollins. its like he went into my head and was like hmm, i know just how to say that on paper. he is an under-appreciated genius. crazy. goodnight world. i am going to dream of anything but you.

band quote "i feel like a gun"-henry rollins

Invisible people with invisible hearts
glass people melting and falling apart

My favorite brigade
began with your charade

roaring of the ocean met
with the silence of the sand

If you are with me in my dreams
are you really gone when I'm awake?

dont have the titles to these anymore, gonna have to wait till i can get them back from holly. oh well. i hate arrogancy. to think that someone doesnt deserve me equates that i am better than them. the only people that i am better than are the douchebags that manipulate people or the fucking frat boys that think they are hot shit. WHEN YOU THINK YOURSELF ABOVE SOMEONE YOU ARE INVERSELY PUT BELOW THEM. the moment arrogancy kicks in you become un-respectable. ladies and gentlemen i have started on some illustrations for the meathead manifesto. i hope to give it out to all the retards on the beach and anyone that wants it. let me know if you want one, there will be one waiting.

ps anatomy of a ghost broke up. this breaks my heart. they are phenonmenal. wish i could have seen them again. what can you do.

i'll skip on down to the cemetary
dig my own grave
and bury you in it
screaming at thin air
i only see ghosts
none will ever leave,
you; death impaired